i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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