I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
