she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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