I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
What a dumb baby whore.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
