Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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