dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
