Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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