You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
