I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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