hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
