I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
