Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
