The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Randomize
