Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
