Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
