I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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