8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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