omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
