My Higher Power is John Stamos
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
