If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
