so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize