I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
