hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
