i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
