P.S. I can't hear my feet
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
