Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
