btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
