I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
