sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
