At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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