First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
