he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
