he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
