my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
