I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Last time i carry you out of a forest
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
