got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
