I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
