If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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