I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
