found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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