I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
