My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
