And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
