YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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