You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
