Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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