I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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