I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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