i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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