Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
