I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
