I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
