I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
