dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
