I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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