I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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