***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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